We start adapting to the world as children. As time progresses we develop different coping strategies to get our needs met. We’re immersed in various experiences and expectations via our family, the school system, society, and in many cases religious institutions.
All of these things shape how we behave growing up. Through these various programming and conditionings we learn ways to get our own needs met, even at the cost of suppressing ourselves. This week in Deeper Thoughts we are going to discuss a few examples of coping strategies we learn during childhood.
*We learn to suppress being loud and playful because our parents want quiet well behaved children to show off to the neighbors and fitting into this mold gives us affection. By doing this we learn that suppressing our authentic self gains us approval and as we grow up we continue to do this in order to gain acceptance by others.
*We ignore our desires to be artistic because to get approval we need to be more sports oriented. Many parents care more about a child who excels in sports because they see it as a potential for scholarship opportunities, a possible career for their child, and in many cases a way for the parent to live vicariously through the child because they, for whatever reason, were unable to live out their own dream of a sports career.
*We learn to practice endurism in painful situations because growing up we were taught “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” We stay in situations that make us miserable, such as a bad job because the money is good, an incompatible relationship because “you just don’t give up on people,” or keeping toxic or abusive parents in your life because, “they’re family.” Endurism only increases suffering and in most cases will reinforce other coping mechanisms and tendencies. For more on Endurism you can read my article Endurism, Why Are You Holding On To The Pain?
*We start venturing into escapism via TV, video games, and reading instead of facing our problems which as we grow up evolve into more harmful vices. As we get older these forms of escapism can evolve into things such as drinking, drug abuse, excessive exercise and even pouring yourself into your work at the cost of neglecting your other responsibilities.
*Doing all we can to please our parents turns us into people pleasers as adults, too scared to say no because doing so was met with shame and rejection. So we keep saying yes to everything even if it’s detrimental to us. This carries on into adulthood with friends and work. We fear saying no to people because doing so as children meant having love and affection pulled away from us. Because of this we continue saying yes to things we don’t want to do because this is how we learned to get people to like us. But over time this causes resentment to rise up in us toward those we are always agreeing to help. For more on people pleasing check out my article simply titled, People Pleasing.
We grow up with these adaptations and they grow and evolve with us. These coping strategies keep us trudging along and we refuse to give them up in order to survive. It’s through awareness of ourselves that we begin to recognize these strategies that we use, go back to the earliest memories we have of using them.
As adults, we need to adapt again, but this time with new healthier ways to meet our needs instead of hanging on to these detrimental coping strategies, but healing the original wounds from our childhood. Adapt with healthier tools and watch your life improve.
These are but a fraction of the coping strategies we use and see others using in our lives. Hopefully with this article you can begin to recognize your own coping strategies and find healthier ways to meet the needs you have in your life.
Thank you for reading this week, and once again, have an enlightening day!
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