Anger and aggression are powerful tools, but many people let it overrun them. For many people this is due to childhood trauma that stems from feelings of being unsafe, gaining control of a situation, or to get attention and affection. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to look into anger and aggression, where they often stem from, how they carry on throughout your life, and give an example of how proper management of it can play out.
As children we try different coping strategies to get love and safety from our parents, or try to gain some sense of power and/or control in situations. There’s a wide variety of coping strategies to achieve this. It can be triangulation, manipulation, people please, fawning, and a host of other things.
But there are some parents who only paid attention to children who acted out with anger and aggression. Being around people we felt unsafe with or in places that felt dangerous, we might have tried conveying those feelings of being unsafe, but were ignored. Either because the parents were so caught up in their own life, or maybe because we were too young to be able to properly communicate how we were feeling. We had no say in these situations. So we lashed out in anger and aggression until we were removed from those people, places, and situations.
Even after those early childhood years (toddler years) we can still see this. Look no further than the school bullies. One reason these children act like they do (although there can be many other reasons) is because the home is an unsafe place for them where they have no control. Fighting and pushing around others, pulling on that anger from their home life and exerting it towards others gives them a feeling of control and even of safety due to others being afraid of them.
This tactic of angry and violent outbursts carries over with us as we grow into adults. These adults react to situations in anger. And these feelings can be amplified when the adult starts using other coping mechanisms (alcohol, drugs, etc.) to further push away and escape feelings of unsafety or loss of control.
While there are various ways to manage that anger like working out, martial arts, sports, etc, tailoring ways to create a space of safety and a feeling of some control can help greatly. This can largely be achieved with healthy communication with those you work and live with. Explaining how certain situations make you feel, and what would make you feel safer, and as a result, less angry. This doesn’t mean you get to control everything in the environment at the detriment of others, but it sets a stage where everyone can be more comfortable.
For example, Julie is a server in a restaurant. She grew up in an environment where aggression was the only way for her to be heard instead of being ignored. George works in the kitchen as a line cook. When ticket times get high and Julie asks how much longer before her food is up, because he’s tired of having to answer not just Julie, but the other servers on staff, George just ignores her. Over time this anger keeps building up every time she has to deal with George. This constant silent treatment triggers Julie and she begins to lash out in anger.
Because Julie has been doing parts work with this issue she sits down with George and after apologizing for her behavior explains where the source of it comes from. She explains how as a child she and her needs were ignored and outbursts of anger was how she got people to listen to her. After a conversation about the issue George agrees to answer her when she asks questions so not only will she not have that feeling of being ignored, but also have a better idea of the situation at hand (timing of food for her tables which can affect her tips) and be able to better manage her customers, thus helping her feel more in control in the situation because she has a better idea of what to expect.
Anger and aggression are useful tools for many reasons when they’re used properly. But for those of us who jump straight to these tools out of a knee jerk reaction, go inward and to learn what you needed as a child to feel safe and in control and what you can do now as an adult to create those scenarios around you so you can better regulate your anger, instead of being faced with backlash from your own rage.
Thank you again for reading and have an enlightening day!
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