Many of us will make an attempt at showing compassion to others and try to understand where they're coming from. But you know the one person many people rarely, if ever, do that for? Themselves. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to touch on the Inner Critic, where it stems from, and what we can do to build a better relationship with it.
A large portion of the population are far harsher on themselves than they are on most other people. Our inner critic takes the wheel and we let it run wild. It belittles and degrades us. Many of us are so used to this constant negative self talk that we’re not even aware that we’re doing it.
Even if we’re not fully aware of the effect of our inner critic, our subconscious is. And the more it hears this negative self talk the more it believes it. The subconscious has no choice but to take in and believe all it hears, which is why I stress about guarding the gates of your mind.
We all know people (you might even be one of them) that are extremely hard on themselves when they make a mistake. They might vent in frustration at themselves or sulk in silence berating the mistakes they make even when they’re small and inconsequential. Their inner critic goes off full force.
Our inner critic gets triggered when we don’t meet unrealistic standards that expect us to be perfect in one or multiple areas of life. It’s that part of the brain that expects us to never make mistakes. It’s that part of us that feels like we always need to be doing something and feel guilty when you try to rest and relax.
You’re a server and forget to ring in that one extra side a customer asked for during a rush, or make a typo in that email to your boss and notice it after it’s sent. It can be any little thing like this and your brain starts going into belittling yourself. Your inner critic tells yourself that you’re stupid and call yourself an idiot. You say things like “This is why nobody trusts you! You’re always messing things up! You’re worthless!” You meet someone you like and try to ask them out and fumble your words. You think to yourself, “You idiot! You blew it! This is why no one likes you!”
Sound familiar?
Many of us have this harsh inner critic due to trauma from our childhood. Many times we had family that belittled us even as children when we made mistakes. Or we were often rejected. Many times the inner critic stems from abandonment issues. Sometimes we weren’t the focus of these events, but we witnessed them happen to others and it created fear that the same can happen to us, such as watching a sibling be the victim of the aforementioned reasons.
Having a harsh inner critic can lead to self esteem issues, causes distrust in yourself and toward others, and anxiety. And the more it spouts off its insults and accusations, it reinforces itself in your subconscious. As we stated earlier, your subconscious has no choice but to take in what it hears, even if it’s coming from your own thoughts and words.
So what can we do if we have a harsh inner critic? The first thing is to understand why it’s flaring up when it does. Ultimately the inner critic is trying to keep you safe. It’s trying to protect you from those situations that created it. So sitting with those emotions when they spring up to find where they originate in your childhood to heal these triggers is a major step.
When your inner critic is rearing its head, stop and talk to yourself compassionately instead. Use logic instead of the raw emotion of shame or guilt. Analyze what you’re criticizing yourself about to prove that it’s not the big deal you’re making it out to be. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s part of being human. No one’s perfect and you don’t have to be. Stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself. Would you talk that way to a child? No! So why are you talking to yourself like that? Doing so reinforces the fears, shame, and guilt to your own inner child.
Realize it’s not a survival dependent moment and have a laugh about it instead. Use it as a teachable moment so you’re better prepared. When that inner critic is in full force, talk to yourself like you would to build a friend up.
Work on cultivating self love and compassion today. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. Ask yourself before each decision you make, “what would someone who loves themselves do?” Think about it and then go with that.
Take time to understand the choices you made in the past and why you did. What needs were you getting met that way and find healthier ways to meet them instead. And show yourself grace. We all make mistakes. Take ownership of your actions, but don’t beat yourself up. If you wouldn’t say it to a child, why would you say it to yourself? Your inner child is listening and takes it all in. Don't let your inner critic beat you or your inner child up. instead give yourself Love and compassion.
Thank you again for reading, and as always, have an enlightening day!
Comments