In today’s world there’s a huge emphasis on the love you place on others, be it how you love your parents, your spouse, your children or your friends. One of the most important types of love that many people neglect is Self Love. So this week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to dive into this concept and its importance.
Why is self love so important? It sets a standard to yourself on how you want to be treated not only by yourself, but by others as well. It is a reflection of your mental and emotional state. It's also a reflection of how you show love to others. As the cliché goes “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” You have to pour into yourself if you wish to pour into others. Showing love to yourself energizes you. It creates a safe space within yourself. It builds your confidence and self trust. So let’s look at ways you can show yourself love and the results that come from it.
For me, the foundation of self love was in being conscious of my choices. When I was going on autopilot I was not really thinking about my actions and kept repeating the detrimental habits and patterns that held me down. Think about each choice that you’re making before you decide. Teal Swan has a video on this topic (which I recommend everyone watch here after reading this) where she suggests before you make a decision ask yourself, “What would a person who loves themselves do?” and then consciously choose based on that. Using this method you are taking an active role and thinking about the pros and cons of your actions. It’s a great practice for anyone who struggles with self love and wants to begin improving their relationship to themselves.
A good example of this is choosing a healthier lifestyle. If you love yourself wouldn’t you want to take better care of yourself? Eating better foods, and doing more active things like working out, yoga, hiking, all these things increase your mental, physical, and emotional well being. All things someone who loves themselves cares about. If you’re hungry you can ask “would someone who loves themselves eat an apple or an unhealthy fast food burger that upsets my stomach after?”
One of the biggest ways to show yourself love is to assert your boundaries. This builds self trust with you as well as confidence. Boundaries show others how you want to be treated. Boundaries are a way to protect yourself. Boundaries are how you hold yourself and others accountable. Asserting your boundaries can be saying “no” to something you know you don’t want to do instead of leaning into people pleasing tendencies, like taking on extra work at your job for no extra pay. It can be saying “no” to giving a friend or relative money for the hundredth time knowing they never pay you back. For a more in-depth read on boundaries look at our Deeper Thoughts post titled, “Boundaries: What are They and Why They’re Important.”
For many of us, starting out on this journey can be uncomfortable. This is true when we’re not used to telling people “no.” It can feel like we’re being mean and selfish, especially when friends and family are involved. It protects our mental and emotional health, and sometimes it protects us from physical harm and danger when we say no to situations that out us at risk, like going back together with an abusive ex. We have to remember it’s perfectly fine and healthy to say that you don’t want to do something, or won’t do something. You don’t have to always give a coworker a ride to or from work. It’s healthy to say no to working extra hours at the office, especially if it’s wasting your time or causing you to miss out on family events. I was always that “yes” guy. I would always go into work on my day off because someone called out sick, even though I didn’t want to. When I started telling work “no” because I had plans that were a higher priority, it still felt weird because I was so used to being the go-to guy.
Saying “no” to people and situations is pivotal to preserving your mental and emotional well being. Work, friends, and family might try to guilt trip and shame you. It can trigger anxiety. But the more you do it, the more you see those people still get by. And overtime it builds up your confidence and inner strength. I used to work at a bar and was overextending myself there. Even when I was there hanging out I would help out on my off time. I started dating a girl and I was so ingrained into never saying no that I struggled for a while to not go and help out, even if she was with me. Over time I built up that ability to say “no” and guess what? The place functioned just fine without me always coming in or always helping out when I was popping in with her. Soon I was telling them “no” with a smile on my face and not a sign of a guilty conscience.
I once worked at a restaurant in a hotel, and my boss was a nightmare. Nothing was her fault. She always had excuses. She wouldn’t instruct us on how things should be done, was always upset if we bothered her to ask how it should be done, and if we made a decision ourselves instead of asking her, she would get mad that we didn’t ask. It was affecting my mental and emotional health. Things kept escalating and I finally had enough and decided I was going to quit at the end of my shift.
Somehow she found out about this and pulled me aside. I told her all the reasons I was going to leave and she tried all the tricks. She brought up how it would affect my coworkers (we were short staffed, mainly due to her actions and behaviors). She did the whole “after all I’ve done for you” speech. She even pulled out the crocodile tears. Despite all that I stood my ground and after an HR investigation from multiple complaints determined she would not be removed, I quit and didn’t look back. I had too much love and respect for myself to stay in the environment she created.
Your acts of self love aren’t always grand acts like I demonstrated above. Take time to soak in the tub and relax. Make time in your busy schedule to meditate and ground yourself. Buy that book you want or sign up for that course you’ve been interested in. Set aside time to create your art. These little acts of self love make a difference in your life.
Showing self love is a way to help heal wounds. We’re all subjected to emotional wounding and trauma throughout our lives. How we take time and process and heal these wounds shows ourselves love. If after a break up we go to the bar every night and get drunk, we’re just masking up the wound. If we sit with the pain and address those wounds and do the healing work needed we get far better, and healthier results. It’s uncomfortable, but you come through the other side of it feeling more “complete” for a lack of a better word. I do a brief description of this process in my article titled Family and Ancestral Trauma, and How to Heal.
Another way you can show yourself love is by embracing your inner child! What were things you liked doing when you were young? Lean into that energy. A healthy expression of your inner child shows you that you love yourself, and it shows the inner child within you that you love them too! Did you love playing pinball as a child? Go to the arcade! Were you a paintball enthusiast? You can look for a group you can join in your area to rekindle that excitement!
Another key way of loving yourself is by showing up for yourself. Saying you’re going to do something and following through builds that trust and that love. Keeping your promises to yourself is incredibly important, not just for you, but to those around you. Showing up for yourself means that you can show up and follow through for the people in your life as well. It’s hard to love someone you don’t trust, and this applies to you too.
What does showing up for yourself look like? For me, writing these articles every week and having them posted is showing up for myself. It is a way to show my subconscious and inner parts that I can be consistent and relied on. Another example of showing up for yourself can be promising yourself that you’ll read that book you’ve been wanting to, making time to sit down, and finishing it. It can be researching and fixing that leaky pipe under your kitchen sink instead of procrastinating and putting it off. It can be going to the gym because you promised yourself you would.
Your level of self love reflects the love you receive from the universe as well. The things you say to yourself, are they something you’d say to a friend or partner you love or even to a child? If not, why are you talking to yourself like that? If you’re hateful to yourself the universe sends that hatefulness back to you, only to reaffirm those beliefs. This is often due to being hateful to others. As you cultivate love for yourself you shift that mindset and your actions reflect that inward change, and thus you’ll have more love sent back to you from the universe. This is another aspect of the Law of Attraction/Mirroring. (For a more in depth look on this, check out our post titled, “Scarcity and the Law of Mirroring, AKA the Law of Attraction.”)
Now while I will point out that the level of love you show yourself reflects the level of love that the universe mirrors back to you, I want to also point out that doesn’t mean you have to live in solitude until you love yourself fully. The level of love you show yourself is what you get back from the universe. The more you cultivate and increase it the more it increases in your outside world. So yes, you CAN be in relationships as you grow your self love. And the love you receive from others will grow along with you. Increasing your self love is an ever growing thing, just like the rest of our spiritual journey. There is no endpoint. It is infinitely abundant just like the universe itself.
Being aware of your own detrimental habits and actions is another form of self love. You have to be honest and call yourself out on your actions, especially if you do it beforehand and prevent yourself from taking part in them. This does NOT mean beating yourself up. My inner critic used to have a bad habit about doing this until I created a positive relationship with it. It’s more like when your friend is about to try and use a cheesy pickup line to impress someone. You hear what they’re planning and you say “You sure that’s a good idea?” Work on simply taking a step back and analyzing your decisions before you commit and be compassionate towards yourself.
As with all things, there are potential pitfalls with self love as well. If you’re doing things detrimental to you claiming it’s for the sake of self love, then are you really loving yourself? If you have a bad day and buy $400 worth of clothes you know you’re not going to wear, is that self love, or is self love a cover for a shopping addiction? If you’re constantly changing the color of your hair, it might feel good at the time, but too much of that damages your hair with all the chemicals you’re using. It might feel good in the moment to stay up late to watch a few more episodes of that show you love and say you’re exercising self love, but then in the morning when you get up to go to the office or to open for breakfast at the restaurant you’re going to feel tired and drained all day. These actions are not bad in and of themselves, but rather a consistent habit of them in the name of “self love” can eventually become detrimental if we’re not careful. Take ownership of your choices and be honest with yourself.
We are all deserving of love, especially from ourselves. This article only touches a small fraction of all the ways you can show yourself love. It’s not an easy journey starting out, but the more you can express healthy self love, the more you can express love to those around you. You don’t have to be a monk in a monastery for this process and as you continue to practice self love you’ll see it reflected in your relationships in the external world. If you’re not sure what are some of your patterns that hinder your self love, ask those closest to you. It’s hard to see the bigger picture of ourselves when we’re caught up in the middle of our thoughts and actions. For those starting out on this journey or those who aren’t sure what self love is, I hope this article has been helpful.
Thank you for reading, and have an enlightening and loving day!
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