I often speak on asserting your boundaries here on the website as well as on social media, but I have yet to go into what boundaries are. So this week in Deeper Thoughts, let’s do just that!
Simply put, boundaries are things you like that define you. This scope can range to your favorite sports team, to how you want to be treated. They define who we are as a person, the limits we set in relationships, and they define what values we’re aligned to.
Your boundaries indicate what’s compatible and incompatible versus what’s workable for you. As an example if you watch American Football, many of you have a favorite team. It’s fair to say you have friends who also root for the same team as you because that’s their favorite team too. This would be an example of compatibility.
You more than likely have friends who have a differing team. Your favorite team and your friend’s favorite team is a boundary you both have, but that doesn’t necessarily have to reflect an incompatibility. Instead, it shows a workability within the respects of your boundaries. You can both enjoy watching the sport together, while still having the boundaries of each of your respective sports teams. This would be an example of boundaries that are workable. You each have your own boundaries, but they do not cross each other in a negative way.
Now here’s a common example of boundaries that show incompatibility. Say you’re in a relationship and you want kids more than anything in the world, but your partner has ZERO desire to ever have kids. This is an example of boundaries that are incompatible. Your boundaries to have kids, and their boundaries to not have kids will be in constant clash with each other. To try and force this relationship will lead to a zero sum game where one of you will not get what you want. To make a concession with this boundary will eventually lead to resentment, and eventually the end of the relationship.
A big issue that many people in society have today is that many don’t have a clear sense of self, and as a result don’t have any idea what many of their boundaries are. This is why spending time with yourself is so incredibly important so that you can learn who you are and what your boundaries are.
Some people are aware of their boundaries, but don’t enforce them. There’s a long list of why this is and we’ll go through some of them. Keep in mind that this is far from a comprehensive list.
1: People pleasing. These people will often seek validation at the cost of violating their boundaries. They’ll pick up extra shifts at work despite wanting to spend time with their family. They’ll go to a party after caving to peer pressure, despite having to be in the office early the next day. They’ll take on extra work loads without extra compensation, even if those tasks aren’t in the sphere of their position in the company. They may stay in a relationship they hate to make the other person happy. This usually stems from trying to be seen as “nice guy/good girl.” These patterns will usually always end up leading to resentment and other problems that inevitably spread out into their lives.
2: People who were shamed and/or punished for asserting their boundaries as children often have difficulties asserting them as adults. Many parents never accept or are completely oblivious to the fact that their children aren’t dolls. They are living breathing little people with their own personalities. These children are shamed into thinking they’re being selfish if they don’t fit into the preconceived ideas their parents have for them, or they’re punished physically and/or emotionally. Oftentimes removing love and affection is a form of punishment until the child “acts right.”
3: A child’s boundaries might be deemed wrong if it goes against the family’s or the community’s values and needs. If the person wants to move to a big city to look for work that’s more suited to their own needs, instead of staying to work on the family farm they might be shamed for “abandoning the family” and many patterns and punishments in the above paragraph will be implemented. Or if the person doesn’t take part in the community's traditions because it doesn’t align with his or her values, such as not wanting to take part in religious events, that person could face the threat of being ostracized from the community.
4: People whose ideas were always being shot down as children and even as young adults. A child might want to join a sport or a club, and the parents might tell them they’re not cut out for it, or say something like “We know you wouldn’t be happy doing it.” The child might want to move away to college and the parents, afraid for their child to leave the nest will create excuses like staying to help with the family business or placing scary scenarios about the “big bad wide world” into their brain so they give up on their dreams. These children are never given the opportunity to test their boundaries at all.
When we let people violate our boundaries, it creates a host of feelings and emotions. This can include, but not limited to, anger, trust issues, resentment, victimhood, fear, betrayal, multiple layers of trauma and fragmentation, etc. This isn’t just when others violate our boundaries, but also applies to when we violate our own boundaries!
Violating your own boundaries can look like getting drunk, when you resent your parents for that behavior. It can be going to a party you didn’t want to go to because you felt it was unsafe and putting yourself in a dangerous position. It can be something as “small" as cheating on an exam to something as large as caving into a temptation and cheating on your spouse. It will create just as much wounding as if someone else violates your boundaries and create levels of shame and even self hatred on top of self trust issues.
In most of our day to day lives asserting your boundaries can be simple, such as being invited to a party you don’t want to go to and saying “No, but I hope you have a fun time.” Sometimes it can mean having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation or calling someone out on their own bad/toxic behaviors. An example of this could be working at a restaurant and another server steals a table that’s supposed to be yours, but everyone knows they always tip well. You may have to call them out with something like, “Hey, that was supposed to be my table, and I’m not okay with you taking it like that.” Sometimes asserting your boundaries may require aggression, such as if there’s an immediate threat to a family member or a loved one.
Our boundaries are not set in stone either. As we grow and mature, we adopt new mindsets, especially when we do work on healing ourselves or take on new points of views in life. Priorities change, such as a new career or starting a family. It’s normal for your boundaries to adjust to your changed perspectives in life.
So what are the benefits of asserting your boundaries? First of all you experience an increased feeling of self trust. Asserting your boundaries creates a level of safety for your inner wounded parts. For many of those aspects it shows them that you’re there to protect them, which is crucial if protection is what those parts needed. It adds to and boosts your confidence in yourself. It allows you to live a more authentic life, instead of wearing a mask for the sake of others, which helps to raise your overall frequency.
One thing you will notice is the changed behavior in others. Many will still align with you as you begin this journey of asserting your boundaries. But there will be others who will feel duped in the change because they thought they knew what your values were. Your lack of assertion created a lack of authenticity. This will mean conversations will be needed to see if there are workabilities, or incompatibilities.
Some may resent this change, especially if they’re used to crossing your boundaries and taking advantage of you. You often hear things like, “You’ve changed!” or, “Oh so now you’re too good for so-and-so.” Stay firm in your assertions. Those meant to be in your life will be happy to respect your boundaries.
I hope this post helps to understand boundaries and why they’re so important to assert and enforce. Many people struggle with the assertion of their boundaries, (I was one of them) but doing so is a massive step in self love. Thank you for reading, and once again, have an enlightening day.
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