There are times when we get what we desire, but that’s when we stop working. We get complacent and comfortable. That comfort zone is where things stagnate and can even wither. This is especially important to remember when it comes to your romantic relationships and your family. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to discuss the work involved and importance of constantly providing containment for your family.
Having a family takes work. Too many people get delusional about or complacent with their family. They think they can stop working once they have the family they want. This is simply not so. They get in a relationship (or sometimes make it all the way to marriage) and after a while they stop putting in the same effort they did before. This makes your significant other feel confused and duped. It’s like having the rug pulled out from under them. You don’t seem like the same person you were before and it makes them feel like they were lied to.
So what can we do to prevent this? The following examples are not comprehensive, but they are a good guide to keep in mind so you don’t inadvertently slip and make your partner feel duped. This article will help show ways to provide containment for your family.
You have to keep working hard to provide for them, whether you’re paying the bills and buying the food, or if you're providing the nurturing environment. You’re not going to be at your best every day, but you need to be consistent in providing whatever it is you’re responsible for providing. If your role is providing money and putting food on the table then you need to be aware of your income. If your job is largely seasonal, then you need to have a budget set up so you’re ready for the slow times. Even better it would be beneficial to either have another job lined up during the slow times or some other source of income to help supplement.
You have to continue to work on meeting the needs of your family. You can’t slack off just because you have a spouse and kids. You have to keep showing up for them. They need to be able to learn. Your family needs ways they can express themselves. They need healthy examples of masculinity and femininity. Children need to see what healthy relationships look like.
As a husband and father you have to keep making your wife and kids feel safe. The home must be secure. Your family must feel that any situation that comes up you can figure out and handle, either by yourself or your ability to use resources to solve any problem. They don’t need to worry about intruders breaking in and even if that happened, they need to trust you can keep them safe from danger should it happen. You are constantly proving yourself as a competent leader of the family.
As a wife and mother you need to keep making sure your children feel safe, especially emotionally. You’re where your husband feels safe to relax and gather his energy for all the battles he fights for you. You’re his peace, just as he is yours.
It is in these ways you provide containment for each other.
You have to keep expressing love the way those in your family receive it, not how you do. You take time to understand your family so you can provide this for them. For some it’s receiving and giving gifts. Others might be words of affirmation of their efforts. It all varies from person to person. Learn this about each member of your family so you know how they receive the love you’re trying to give them.
Trust needs to always be built upon. Loyalty is a given, but there are other equally important ways you build trust. You don’t shy away from those uncomfortable and difficult conversations. The ones where you’re vulnerable with each other. These conversations are valuable ways to learn more about each other. These conversations help make sure each participant is seen, heard, understood, and validated.
Another way of building trust is following through with your promises and responsibilities. When you say you will do something, you do it. If you determine you can’t do it on your own, you use the resources available to you to make it happen.
When you make mistakes, as we all inevitably do, take ownership of them. Don’t make excuses for your mistakes. Make amends, don’t repeat the mistakes, and work hard to rebuild any trust that was lost from you. No it’s not easy, but maintaining a healthy relationship isn’t always easy.
There’s a lot more that could be added to this list, but I think I’ve gotten my point across. Having a family and providing containment takes work, so don’t slack off. You have to constantly show up for them. Yes, there are days you won’t be at your best. We’re human and it happens, but we have to be consistent in this endeavor. Just because you have the family you’ve always wanted doesn’t mean that now you get to take it easy. If anything, it’s the opposite. You have to work harder because they rely on you. You pour into them, just as they pour into you.
And lastly, if you don’t have a family of your own just yet, but do want one, then work on yourself and your growth so you’ll be ready for the work involved when you finally do! Use this as a guide to help prepare yourself and cultivate the aspects you’ll need to provide containment for them.
As always, I thank you for reading and I hope you all have an enlightening day!
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