We’re all very familiar with escapism and its various forms. We all know about turning to alcoholism, drugs, or porn to escape the pains, stress, and difficulties of life. And of course there are other less extreme forms that can still be detrimental, such as playing video games or reading all day, constantly watching tv, or throwing yourself into your work to ignore issues at home. But we live in a world of duality, so what is on the opposite side of that coin? That’s what we’re going to talk about this week in Deeper Thoughts.
The other side is what has become known as Endurism, thanks to Teal Swan. It’s another coping mechanism people use in today’s world where we think that if we put up with the situation a little longer it will get better, or that leaving the situation we’re in is too scary or dangerous to do so. At its source, endurism stems from various scarcity mindsets, social conditioning, and self delusion. Let’s go over some examples.
Jake hates his job. He feels it’s chaotic, there’s too much favoritism, hates the hours he has to work, and feels he’s having to take on more responsibilities than what is expected of his position. He stays because he has that carrot dangled in front of him for promotion. But that promotion never comes. He’s always overlooked, but he continues to stick with his job despite the long hours and added stress in the hopes of that promotion.
Kelly’s husband Josh can’t hold down a job. He always comes up with various excuses as to why he quits or gets fired. He goes through weeks at a time without looking for work, and instead leans into the escapism of playing video games while also letting the house fall into shambles. This forces Kelly to work longer hours to pay bills and put food on the table. She continues putting up with this stress in the marriage because throughout her life she has been conditioned with the belief that a wife stays with her husband and supports him no matter what, because that’s what her mother did with her father.. This societal pressure and programming has her enduring the stress of being the main provider because it’s what she “should” do.
Randy is assistant manager at his local hardware store. His boss is a bully, schedules him hours that Randy has told him he can’t work, and is always ridiculing him for anything going wrong in the store. Randy’s motivation for enduring his work environment is that he won’t be able to find another job that pays his bills. He lives in a small town where work isn’t available and doesn’t feel like he’s qualified for another line of work. His fear and scarcity mindset keeps him locked into his job.
Carol’s husband is an alcoholic. When he’s sober he’s just fine, but like many people, he’s a different person when he’s drunk. He’s abusive, verbally as well as physically. They’ve been married for 35 years, and at the age of 56, Carol feels trapped. She won’t leave because she believes she has no work skills. The thought of being alone and having no idea how she will provide for herself terrifies her. This fear is what keeps her enduring her abuse.
In many cases we think we are doing the right thing by practicing endurism. We have a misconception that suffering for the “right” cause is a virtue. But this isn’t so. In fact it causes far more harm than good, often dangerously so.
In our first example with Jake, he keeps doing all the extra work assigned to him. He keeps staying later after work. He’s so set on eventually getting that promotion that work takes over his life. He thinks he’s doing it for the good of his family, but the constant neglect of his family and their needs, such as emotional support, quality time, and validation of his wife and children’s needs is finally too much. Despite all her pleading for these other things, his wife finally files for divorce.
Kelly continues carrying the weight of the household as the main breadwinner. Having to provide for her husband and children without much, if any, support from her husband starts to take a toll on her health. She starts having blood pressure problems, but instead of being motivated to start fulfilling his role, her husband continues to lean into playing his video games all day, while neglecting the house duties, and barely taking care of the kids. Kelly keeps pushing forward despite her health concerns until her blood pressure becomes so bad she eventually has a heart attack. The results of this leaves her unable to work. Her mind couldn’t handle the stress and her body forced her to have to stop working. But to make things worse, her husband showed all this time he didn’t want to be a responsible adult in the relationship, and instead of stepping up as the husband he needed to be, he left her!
Randy continues to take the abuse and put up with the toxic work environment. Causing him to sink into depression. To help aid in this depression as well as the original enduring of his job, he begins using another coping mechanism and begins drinking. At first it’s just a drink or two a few nights a week, but the amount escalates. It finally reaches the point that he’s so miserable at his job, but never does anything about it that he crashes his car in a drunk driving accident.
Carol’s fear of the unknowns of being alone and having to support herself keeps her enduring her abusive marriage. She accepts it as a part of her life until the night comes that her husband goes too far (and yes any physical abuse is already too far) and beats her to death.
Endurism is a dangerous coping mechanism that is prevalent in much of the world. There’s a big difference between commitment and dedication versus enduring pain and trauma. So what are some ways we can quit this detrimental coping mechanism?
The first step is being aware that you’re in this pattern. Awareness lets you see your actions, or lack thereof so you can make the adjustments to your life that you need. From this point you can decide what you should do.
You have several options to go with. In many situations asserting your boundaries will help save you from unnecessary stress. A prime example would have been for Jake to stop taking on extra work and extra late nights because he refuses to go above and beyond all the time with no compensation in return. For more on boundaries you can read my article titled, “Boundaries: What are they and Why They’re Important.”
Another thing you can do to break free from endurism is work on changing your mindset. Scarcity keeps many people in the pattern of enduring suffering because they only see a lack of options. When you cultivate an abundance mindset you see there are more options available to you than you may think. Making changes to your life can help you see the abundance that surrounds you. Start a gratitude journal and keep writing things that make you feel grateful. Exercising and eating healthier can elevate your mindset and clear some of the stress. Meditation can help center you so you can see all the options available to you.
Getting out of your comfort zone to increase your confidence and help you find that inner strength you need to call on. For some people the things I listed in the previous two paragraphs will have some of you stepping out of your comfort zone. Do so and keep working your way out of it.
When you’ve quit enduring the situation you’ve found yourself in, the next thing you need to do is heal. Not just from the situation you’ve freed yourself from, but you need to do partswork or seek therapy to heal the initial traumas and programming you have that lead you to your practice of endurism.
Endurism is a dangerous coping mechanism that has been celebrated for being “strong” or “the right thing to do.” Anything that is detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional health is anything but those things. I urge anyone who realizes they’re caught in this practice to leave, and if it’s not safe to do so, seek help. Break the cycle of endurism, and heal yourself so that you don’t fall back into it again.
If you want to learn more about endurism, you can check out Teal Swan's YouTube video about it here.
Thank you for reading, and, as always, have an enlightening day.
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