People are always talking, but seldom know how to communicate. Most people are listening to reply, if they’re listening at all and not just going on autopilot, instead of using this important life tool properly. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to talk about talking, and how to effectively and mindfully communicate with others.
One of the most common mistakes people make in conversations is they listen to reply, and not to understand what the person they’re speaking with is trying to convey. When they’re telling you of an achievement and you tell a story about an achievement to one-up them, you’re invalidating their experience. You might inadvertently be poking holes in their own self confidence or their trust in you. Why is this?
You treat their achievement as unimportant. This can create a rupture in the relationship because it invalidates them. This is especially damaging for someone who has been working on stepping out of their comfort zone or building up their confidence. If this is a pattern you have with this person, they’re likely to eventually stop associating with you because they’ll get tired of you one-upping them.
Even if you’re not trying to one-up the other person it’s still damaging when you are only listening to reply. If you’re constantly jumping in to share experiences, it’s taking away from the conversation, which may be centered around the individual you’re talking to, thus again, invalidating them. This isn’t to say you should never share your experiences with someone, but do so when the conversation is right for it.
While we’re discussing invalidation, you can be actively listening, but your responses only cause a disconnect via invalidating the experiences of the other person. When someone is talking to you about a death, break up, or any upsetting event and you say things like:
*It could be worse
*It’s not that bad
*Look at the bright side
*Well this happened to me (and again, trying to “one up” them with something that happened to you)
Responses like these, although meant to make the other person feel better, are more harmful than anything. It makes the other person feel unheard, unseen, and again invalidated. This causes a rupture in the relationship, one that can become even larger because the wounds are still fresh and the other person is processing those emotions. It can cause them to feel disconnected from you and lose trust. During these times you have to remember, their reality is completely different from yours and the world around them.
Another mistake people make in communication is getting defensive. If a person has made a mistake or caused a rupture in a relationship they get defensive or deflect instead of taking ownership. These people try to point the blame to other people, make excuses, or gaslight. This is often due to not having safe and healthy communication in the home as a child. If you have a tendency to do this during conversations, you will push people away and create more ruptures in your relationships. You have to start taking ownership of your actions and accept the consequences, which will take a lot of effort on your part.
Another issue people have in conversations is being direct in stating their needs. In your relationships, (romantic, platonic, family, work) are you clear with what your needs are? If you’re vague or just avoid talking about them, how are others supposed to know what you need? You can’t expect people to read your mind. You have to discuss your needs in your various types of relationships. Don’t be vague about them either. Explain them. If the other person/people can’t meet those needs then discuss how they can still somehow be met via resourcing. Otherwise you might have an incompatibility issue and have to reassess your situation/relationship.
While mindful communication is a large topic with many rivulets contributing to it, these are fairly common communication mistakes I see others use in their day to day life. I myself have been guilty of some on this list. However, with increased awareness we can catch ourselves before we commit these mistakes and can encourage healthier communication between ourselves and others.
Thank you for reading and, as always, have an enlightening day.
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