It’s one thing to help out someone when they need it and you’re able to provide that assistance. Many people are happy to do this but there are those that overextend themselves in this endeavor, to their detriment. I’m talking about people pleasers. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to discuss people pleasing, what causes it, and problems that come along with this behavior.
People pleasing stems from a survival tactic back when we were children. Making other people happy was how we got the safety and love we needed. We neglected ourselves at the benefit of others to get the support in the family that we needed. This is often evident in families where the value you bring to the family is more important than love and affection.
These families rewarded children who did things that contributed to what the parents wanted or felt was best for the family. Here’s some examples:
1: If your parents wanted children to be quiet they were rewarded for being quiet.
2: If you always stopped to do things to help your father in the yard to get his approval because this was the only way to get acknowledgement from him. It was how you got that, “I’m proud of you,” from him.
3: Being parentified and helping your mother around the house, making sure her life is in order, and managing her stress levels. This in turn had her giving you the affection and nurture that you needed.
People pleasers take on too many responsibilities and they get burnt out. Taking care of your spouse and children, your parents, siblings, extended family because you get guilt tripped into, it all adds up fast and takes a toll. These same people also extend themselves out to their friends, trying to always help them out to make their lives easier. Then on top of that they never say no to co-workers and bosses and take on huge work loads for the office.
It leaves you with no time to take care of YOURSELF, and if you’re not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of anybody else. It stretches you thin and has your energy all over the place, which wears you down. When you’re too busy helping others out instead of yourself, you’ll come to realize that deep down, you don’t really know who you are. The identity of being the guy or girl who helps everyone becomes your identity. You base your value on your ability to help people.
Another thing people pleasing can indicate is a fear based mindset. You fear that if you’re unable to help a person or say “no” to them, then they will hate you. You fear being seen as a bad person. It’s ultimately a manipulation tactic to get others to like you and to pull you in, which leads to another issue.
Many times people pleasers begin to feel resentful, especially when they need help and finally ask for it. They eventually stop trying to help people to see if they ever receive help. This leads to other people feeling duped and having the rug pulled out from under them. This damages countless relationships, romantic and platonic.
People pleasing also shows weak boundaries. When you’re too busy saying “yes” to other people, you will sooner or later be saying “no” to yourself. You’re not protecting your energy. With these weak boundaries, many people see you as a doormat, consciously or subconsciously. Many people sense the deep desperation to be liked and accepted and will use that.
Always saying yes can put you in situations you might not want to be in. You might not want to work that shift because your coworker begged you to cover for them. You might be tired and not want to help that friend move. You very well might not feel safe at the party they begged you go to with them. These are small examples of why saying no and upholding your boundaries are important. How many times have you said yes to something because you were too afraid to say no?
Let go of your people pleasing tendencies. This includes with your family. Yes, their needs are important, but you can’t always be overextending yourself leaving yourself drained. You have to know when to say “no.”
Asserting your boundaries and saying no to things you don’t want to do builds up confidence and trust in yourself. It gives you time to do the things you actually want to do for yourself. You’re filling up your own cup in this manner. When you’re not always running around helping others and taking time for yourself, you can actually begin to connect with and discover who you are. It helps you live more authentically.
Another aspect of this is if you’re always in that cycle of doing things for all of your family, they never learn to do things themselves. How are they going to figure out how to do things if you’re always swooping in to “save the day?” Sometimes people have to figure out things on their own, and that’s ok.
I’m speaking from experience when I tell you to learn to say “no” to things. Some people that are used to you always saying “yes” to them might get annoyed, but they’ll figure it out and be ok. Put an end to being a people pleaser and take on only the responsibilities that are truly important. If you can help others without it being too much then that’s fine, but don’t be afraid to say “no.”
Hopefully you found this insightful if you’re not familiar with it, especially if you have people pleasing tendencies of your own. I was this guy. Learn to tell people no, especially when it’s to something that drains you or is detrimental. It feels weird at first, but gets easy over time.
Thank you for reading and again, have an enlightening day!
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