Many of us will make an attempt at showing compassion to others and try to understand where they're coming from. But you know the one person many people rarely, if ever, do that for? Themselves. This week in Deeper Thoughts I’ll be discussing the importance of the way we talk to ourselves.
A large portion of the population are far harsher on themselves than they are on most other people. Our inner critic takes the wheel and we let it run wild. It belittles and degrades us. Many of us are so used to this constant negative self talk that we’re not even aware that we’re doing it. Even if we’re not fully aware that we are, our subconscious is. And the more it hears this negative self talk the more it believes it. The subconscious has no choice but to take in and believe all it hears, which is why I stress about guarding the gates of your mind.
Our negative self talk stems from various traumas. Many of us were withheld affection as children when we did something perceived as wrong. Being parentified at a young age and feeling overly responsible for the family, even though we were children is another trauma. Experiencing constant guilt trips and feelings of shame can cause a harsh inner critic as well. These are just a few examples, but many of us can relate to them.
This inner critic will tell you that you’re dumb when you make a mistake. It will say that you’re not deserving of love from someone else so there’s no point in asking that person out. This inner voice will tell you how stupid you are for wanting to start a business because you don’t know how to do X,Y, Z. They tell you you look stupid or you’re going to bomb that interview. These critics tell you that there’s no point in trying to better yourself because you’ve always been a screw up and that’s all you’ll ever be.
Being aware of this inner dialogue with yourself is the first step in healing it. When you catch yourself in this loop a great exercise I use is I ask myself “Would I speak to a child like I’m speaking to myself now?” If the answer is no, then you need to take a step back and assess yourself. Some of you reading this might think, “well it’s different, I’m not a child. I’m an adult.” And while yes, I agree you’re an adult, you also have to keep in mind that you’re an adult that has many fragmented inner children that are the result of many trauma wounds. We’re all in some way children in grown up bodies.
It’s important to remember that your inner critic is just like your other thoughts and your emotions, separate. It’s not who you are. You can take a step back and observe it just like any other thought or emotion. You would analyze what it’s saying and where it stems from. You treat it just like you would when regulating and managing your emotions. For more on this you can read my article titled, “Family and Ancestral Trauma, and How to Heal.”
When you’re in this first stage of stepping back and observing how you’re talking to yourself. Now this doesn’t mean to criticize the criticizer. Instead use this moment as an opportunity to show yourself compassion and love. Nurture yourself and be there for the inner part that’s wounded. Give yourself the love you need in that moment, which is often the love you needed during the original wounding. If you’re not sure how to practice self love you can read my article, “Beginning the Journey of Self Love.”
Believe it or not this inner critic is, in its own way, trying to help you. It is tied to your subconscious. It knows those trauma’s you’ve experienced in life. More often than not, it tries to dissuade you from taking risks as a manner of protecting you. It will try to keep you physically safe. But it also pushes you away from taking risks such as asking someone out to avoid heartbreak. It doesn’t want you to go through it again like you have before. It doesn’t want you to feel the embarrassment of failure again, like you may have experienced in your youth. In this way it tries to protect your ego, which you may find is at odds with the inner critic.
It's fine to have standards for ourselves, but when we fail to meet them and the expectations that come along, speak more compassionately to yourself. Be constructive with your assessment. See what went wrong and come up with better solutions so you don’t make the same mistakes next time. Given time you can actually develop a healthy relationship with your inner critic. As you take steps to healthily heal the wounds its words stem from, it will over time become a more nurturing voice that offers constructive criticism instead of being so harsh.
Being harsh on yourself doesn't fix the problem. It only reinforces wounding from our childhood. Learn to speak to yourself more compassionately and constructively. Make peace with yourself so you can heal and grow. I hope this article has helped those reading it have a better insight into their inner critic. Like all things, you have a choice if you let this aspect of yourself run rampant and bring you down. Take the steps necessary to heal so you can show yourself compassion. Thank you for reading and have another enlightening day.
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