A major issue in today’s world is victim mentality and lack of accountability. Many people don’t want to admit they had a hand in creating the situation they’re in, especially if they’re the sole reason they’re in that situation.
At its core, however, it’s a coping mechanism used by the ego that’s developed early on during childhood. Many of the people who are stuck in this victim mentally start using it to redirect shame and potential punishment, oftentimes because being held accountable by their caregivers were abusive in a variety of areas. Many punishments ranged from physical abuse, to pulling back love, to extreme shame, even if the event was an accident.
So in fear of these punishments, it was easier to point blame on another person, like a sibling or the family pet for breaking that old lamp, or knocking a glass of soda onto the carpet.
As the child grows this coping mechanism is continually applied. Bad grade on a science test? “Mr. So-and-so made it so complicated,” or “The teacher hates me and treats me harsher than the other students.”
These excuses carry on into adulthood. Most of us know that person who can’t keep a job. They say things like, “I had to quit because everyone was mean to me or picked on me,” or “The boss hated me and that’s why I got fired.” then they may go on about how no one will hire them, not matter how many places they apply to.
They may get arrested and say something like, “I wasn’t doing anything wrong when I got arrested. That cop was harassing me.”
This coping mechanism is even used in relationships. “It sucks! No matter how many people I date they’re all toxic and I have to leave them,” or “Nothing I ever did was good enough. I tried my best and they still dumped me!” Another one is, “I’m the black sheep of the family. No one in my family loves me.”
But if that person was being honest with themself, they’d see the hand they had in these situations. Let’s look over the above examples:
1: Instead of holding themself accountable for not studying or admitting they didn’t understand the material and needed extra help in the science class, it was easier for their ego to blame the teacher. They tell themself that they did all they could and only failed because of someone else, the teacher.
2: While they blame others for picking on them at work and leaving, they won’t admit that they were saying or doing something that made others uncomfortable and when those people upheld firm boundaries and called them out on their behavior, their ego couldn’t handle the rejection.
3: In the case of a boss firing them, their ego tells them the boss didn’t like them, when in fact this person barely worked, showed up late all the time, had nothing but excuses for slacking off, violated work policies, or was disrespectful.
4: They say they can’t find a job, but in reality they won’t admit that the majority of their time they’re staying at home bing watching tv, playing video games, or doing anything else but actually looking for employment. They count getting one or two applications here and there as “looking everywhere.” They may also neglect that their patterns in previous jobs resulted in negative references.
5: In the case of getting arrested, the person won’t admit they were doing something wrong. Or in a wild twist, they’ll use this coping mechanism to defend what they were doing. “They wouldn’t have found that open container in my car and slapped me with a DUI if they weren’t harassing me.” Never mind they were swerving and driving recklessly and that’s what caught the cop’s attention.
6: In their love life they won’t admit that in reality it was their own toxic behavior the other person didn’t like and just like above, when firm boundaries were upheld, the person didn’t like it and left. It could’ve been anything ranging from constant broken promises to drug use to cheating.
7: Again in the relationship arena, getting dumped despite “doing so much,” they’ll use this coping mechanism to deflect from the fact that they barely did anything to maintain the relationship. Constant ruptures may have occurred and to their ego buying some flowers or some other gift counted as going above and beyond while they continued repeating the offending behavior, consistently falling short of already established expectations.
8: Claiming to be the black sheep of the family and saying no one in the family loves them also shifts blame. It could be this person is a compulsive liar, never follows through with promises, is abusive to other family members (physically, mentally, and/or emotionally), or has other negative habits that the family wants no part of, such as substance abuse, gambling, or some other addiction.
So why do this? There’s always a reason someone continues with a negative behavior and the victim mentality is no different. As stated earlier it’s used to avoid accountability and deflect possible punishment. It’s also used to avoid shame and having affection potentially withheld. Another reason people stay stuck in a victim mentality is because it gets the person sympathy in some way or another. It could also gain them support in some fashion that they can’t get on their own, are too lazy to work for, or too scared to seek. It can also protect their ego from having to own up to their actions (or lack thereof) and take accountability.
Another issue with victim mentality is that it’s a limiting belief. It creates a negative thoughtform that continues to reinforce itself. It can be almost like a self imposed jinx or hex. If something is always going to go wrong no matter what you do (or claim to others and yourself you do), what’s the point? Someone or something is going to mess it up right?
Holding yourself accountable will actually build up your trust with yourself and the trust others will have in you. It allows you to achieve far more than what you can by blaming others and always being the “victim.” We all know that person who always points fingers to other people. Some of you reading this might be that person. If so, I hope this article can serve as a kind of wake up call so you can start taking accountability of your life and as a result start taking the lead. More respect will come to those who hold themselves accountable for their actions (or lack of action) and actually do something about it to make amends and fix your own problems to the best of your ability.
Thank you all for reading, and I hope you have an enlightening day.
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