Childhood trauma can come about through many forms, most of which stem from family. This week in Deeper Thoughts we’re going to take a look at one of these familial traumas so you can be aware of how it may have affected you as a child, if you might be doing this to your children, or bring it to your awareness so you can do your best to avoid doing it to your future children.
Your children, while exhibiting similar traits as you, are not clones of you. Your needs and their needs are not always going to be the same. And those that are the same may need to be met in different ways. And just like in your life, their needs will change and evolve over time.
So let’s look at some examples of what I mean. For one instance, you might not need encouragement to try new things. Your child, on the other hand, might need that encouragement. Without it they might be hesitant to try new things, which as they grow will deter them from taking risks that can benefit them in life.
On the other side of the coin, you could be a helicopter parent, always watching over your kid. Your need to make sure everything is perfect and safe can cause the child to grow up always second guessing themselves, again causing them to be shy toward taking risks.
You might need space and solitude to sort out your feelings, but if your child might need to talk about their emotions. If you’re forcing them to take alone time, or if you’re overwhelmed while they are caught up in their emotions and force them into solitude just so you can process yours, they can develop abandonment and trust issues, as well as learning that to get needs met they need to suppress or reject their emotions to gain affection, which as they grow older will cause those emotions to find other ways to surface, thus having negative effects on their life.
Your need for everything in and around the home to be perfect might clash with your child’s need to creatively express themselves artistically. Having a clean and tidy home is a nice thing, but when it is an obsessive need for you, it could be due to a wounding you yourself need to go inward to explore why that is, but also your need for perfection can cause your child to repress their creative talents because they were taught that their creativity was seen as wrong. You could always help them find or create a space that allows for them to use that creative expression they need.
But let’s again look at this from another angle. Your need for perfection in a sport might cause resentment in your child. They might love that same sport and even play it for fun, but your need for your child to be the perfect player and always be pushing them to excel might kill the love of the game, the only reason they really want to play. You might have wanted to go pro in your youth, but failed to do so for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean your child has that same desire or drive. They might enjoy soccer, but it isn’t their life. Pushing them to be perfect causes them to resent the sport, as well as you, or might do the opposite, causing them to feel like they only get praise and attention when they’re excelling at the game. This can also apply to music, art, anything you’re passionate about and for whatever reason “need” to have them excel in your place.
Yes, it is absolutely important to meet your needs. You should be doing so to the best of your abilities. But when you have children you have to remember they aren’t your clone. They’re not carbon copies of you. They have their own personalities. They will ultimately have different experiences. They will have different needs due to those experiences or will need to have their needs met in different ways from you.
Take time today to understand your children, their needs, and how they need those needs met. You love them, and to love a person is to understand them so you know how to caretake them. Just as healing is understanding your own inner wounded child so you can meet its needs, so too must you do for your own children.
Learn to understand your children so you can meet their needs in a healthy manner so they can grow and expand their energy, and apply this same lesson to your inner child so you too can grow and expand your own energy. This will help set you leaps and bounds ahead of other parents.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have an enlightening day.
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